Tizi-n-Tichka were born one year ago today! Happy birthday little puppies! We love them so much!
Here is a picture of them the day we got them, exploring the back yard for the first time!
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Hassled and Harried
Too much work today, too much to do, too much to think about.
Then off to a couple of back to back meetings at FCC. Found myself signing up for more things to do, how can that be, I am dragging already.
But I am also feeling supported and appreciated there so it feels OK.
It is still beyond imagining that I am part of a church. If I think about it, I don't believe it. But I like these people. I like the intentional way they live, and the way they grapple with the hard stuff. I like their rigorous thinking and the way they value each other.
Yael told a story about being in Israel and taking a boat from one side of the Red Sea to the other with a bunch of Anglican priests. In the middle of the sea, they stopped the boat and sat there praying for a very long time. I love that image of the still, quiet sea in the middle of the water.
Perhaps that is where Gail and I are right now. We have left one bank of the sea and are halfway to the other side. And it is still here now, although we know it will be chaotic when we get to the other side.
We should appreciate this quiet time while we have it!
Then off to a couple of back to back meetings at FCC. Found myself signing up for more things to do, how can that be, I am dragging already.
But I am also feeling supported and appreciated there so it feels OK.
It is still beyond imagining that I am part of a church. If I think about it, I don't believe it. But I like these people. I like the intentional way they live, and the way they grapple with the hard stuff. I like their rigorous thinking and the way they value each other.
Yael told a story about being in Israel and taking a boat from one side of the Red Sea to the other with a bunch of Anglican priests. In the middle of the sea, they stopped the boat and sat there praying for a very long time. I love that image of the still, quiet sea in the middle of the water.
Perhaps that is where Gail and I are right now. We have left one bank of the sea and are halfway to the other side. And it is still here now, although we know it will be chaotic when we get to the other side.
We should appreciate this quiet time while we have it!
Monday, November 05, 2007
Daylight Savings Time
The clock turned Sunday night, and we had enough daylight in the morning to take the pups on a walk. It was so nice. We walked down the street and through a rural area, around to the chicken coop. There are about 10 chickens in there, and they have gotten very big since we last saw them about three months ago. We always stop there and have the dogs quietly watch them. I toss them a little dog food, and they cluck around looking for it. I think it is good training for the dogs to sit there quietly looking at the hens.
Gail sent me a note thanking me for getting her to get up and walk them. I told her the best part of the walk is spending time with her.
We are such mooshes!
Gail sent me a note thanking me for getting her to get up and walk them. I told her the best part of the walk is spending time with her.
We are such mooshes!
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Madrigal Dinner Gown
Gail has been busily working her little fingers to the bone sewing new dresses for us for the upcoming Madrigal Dinner. Hers is green and mine is red, and they are both incredibly splendiferous!
Last year at this time, we weren't sure we would be here for the Madrigal Dinner, and here we are again. We still hope we won't be here for it. Hope springs eternal.
In today's newspaper, there was a story about two local teenagers killed in a car accident. As sad as that is, we can't help but hoping that their families are considering donating their organs.
Last year at this time, we weren't sure we would be here for the Madrigal Dinner, and here we are again. We still hope we won't be here for it. Hope springs eternal.
In today's newspaper, there was a story about two local teenagers killed in a car accident. As sad as that is, we can't help but hoping that their families are considering donating their organs.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Moony
We went for a walk with Moony today. It was so good to see her. She had a bone marrow transplant which almost killed her. She was the sickest person I have ever known, but she did survive it. She and Gail talked a lot about being sick and recovering, and going through transplants. It was a good walk.
Gail is a little less scared of the cardiac catheter test. She talked with me about it and with a friend of hers at work, who told her, "ohhhhh, it'll be OK."
Friends are good.
Gail is a little less scared of the cardiac catheter test. She talked with me about it and with a friend of hers at work, who told her, "ohhhhh, it'll be OK."
Friends are good.
Friday, November 02, 2007
More tests
So we talked to the transplant coordinator about the tests, and she will need to have a cardiac catheter test again.
Gail is VERY unhappy and scared about this. It hurt last time, and she is afraid of the pain. And she is afraid that they will have to do some procedure like they did last time.
We did clarify that the test itself, the cardiac cath, will not take her off of the active transplant list. She will only come off the list if they have to do a procedure on her, insert a stent or a balloon.
Hopefully, she will be in good shape and they won't have to do anything but go in there and look around and then stamp her Grade A, ready to go.
She thinks she will have to stay overnight in the hospital, and she is very scared about that too. I told her all her friends will come in and visit her, and we'll have a party. I have to figure out how I can smuggle the puppies in to the cardiac ward. Tricky, very tricky.
We didn't think we would have to do this again.
Gail is VERY unhappy and scared about this. It hurt last time, and she is afraid of the pain. And she is afraid that they will have to do some procedure like they did last time.
We did clarify that the test itself, the cardiac cath, will not take her off of the active transplant list. She will only come off the list if they have to do a procedure on her, insert a stent or a balloon.
Hopefully, she will be in good shape and they won't have to do anything but go in there and look around and then stamp her Grade A, ready to go.
She thinks she will have to stay overnight in the hospital, and she is very scared about that too. I told her all her friends will come in and visit her, and we'll have a party. I have to figure out how I can smuggle the puppies in to the cardiac ward. Tricky, very tricky.
We didn't think we would have to do this again.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Nephrologist Visit
Gail and I met with her nephrologis (kidney doctor) yesterday for her regular monthly visit. Everything looks good. All her blood work is good, her blood pressure is OK.
Her doc's only concern is that Gail's catheter last until she gets the transplant. When the surgeon installed it, he said that the catheters are designed to last a couple of months, but he knew a guy who had one for four years.
The main concern is infection since it is a straight tube into her heart. Gail is 100% good in avoiding infection. She NEVER gets it wet. You can imagine how hard it is to go almost a year without ever getting the upper right quadrant of your torso wet. But she is adamant about it, thank goodness. I don't know that I could be as totally careful about that as she is.
So we aren't worried about infection. There is a possibility that the tube can cause a narrowing of the vein. This is serious because it is permanent damage that isn't resolved by just removing the catheter. The signs to watch for are that the arm gets swollen because fluid isn't draining out through the vein. So now I have something else to worry about.
Gail had the surgery and began dialysis on December 13th. The insurance coverage was authorized for a year, so that needs to be reinstated. Her transplant coordinator is taking care of that.
But her doctor reminded her that she had to take a bunch of tests last year before they would certify her to the transplant list. She recommended that we call them and find out if additional tests will be required to keep her on the list past the one year anniversary. If so, we will want to get them done before hand so that she doesn't spend time off the transplant list.
Gail is too scared to talk to her coordinator about this, so I have been delegated to do so.
She and I are very different about some things, and this is one of them. I crave as much information as I can get, and she feels safer not knowing. So talking to her coordinator about the tests is one way I can help out.
In a seasonally appropriate ghoulish aside, Halloween is a time of lots of drinking and driving. Maybe a kidney/pancreas will come available that is just her type!
Her doc's only concern is that Gail's catheter last until she gets the transplant. When the surgeon installed it, he said that the catheters are designed to last a couple of months, but he knew a guy who had one for four years.
The main concern is infection since it is a straight tube into her heart. Gail is 100% good in avoiding infection. She NEVER gets it wet. You can imagine how hard it is to go almost a year without ever getting the upper right quadrant of your torso wet. But she is adamant about it, thank goodness. I don't know that I could be as totally careful about that as she is.
So we aren't worried about infection. There is a possibility that the tube can cause a narrowing of the vein. This is serious because it is permanent damage that isn't resolved by just removing the catheter. The signs to watch for are that the arm gets swollen because fluid isn't draining out through the vein. So now I have something else to worry about.
Gail had the surgery and began dialysis on December 13th. The insurance coverage was authorized for a year, so that needs to be reinstated. Her transplant coordinator is taking care of that.
But her doctor reminded her that she had to take a bunch of tests last year before they would certify her to the transplant list. She recommended that we call them and find out if additional tests will be required to keep her on the list past the one year anniversary. If so, we will want to get them done before hand so that she doesn't spend time off the transplant list.
Gail is too scared to talk to her coordinator about this, so I have been delegated to do so.
She and I are very different about some things, and this is one of them. I crave as much information as I can get, and she feels safer not knowing. So talking to her coordinator about the tests is one way I can help out.
In a seasonally appropriate ghoulish aside, Halloween is a time of lots of drinking and driving. Maybe a kidney/pancreas will come available that is just her type!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Update
Gail talked to her transplant coordinator yesterday. He said she is at the top of the list. Yawn.
Actually, we try to ask him more questions every time we call him. This time he said there is one man on the A blood type list ahead of her on the regional list.
She asked him if they have been doing any kidney/pancreas transplants, and he said they did one a couple of weeks ago. So at least there is movement on the list.
He also said that someone got called in for a transplant that didn't work out, so they sent him home without a new kidney. As much of a drag as that would be, I kind of wouldn't mind having a trial run. It has been a long time since we talked to the transplant center about what is going to happen. My memory about the details has dimmed a little over the past 11 months.
So this is positive news. We were feeling a little jaded for the last few months, not really expecting the call. But now we are a little edgier.
We are going to a Halloween party tonight. Our plan is to dress up in hospital scrubs and go as a kidney donor and recipient. We thought about using this costume last year, but Gail was too tender to do it. This year she is up for it, so that is probably a good sign as well.
I'll try to get a picture of us in our costumes and post it.
Actually, we try to ask him more questions every time we call him. This time he said there is one man on the A blood type list ahead of her on the regional list.
She asked him if they have been doing any kidney/pancreas transplants, and he said they did one a couple of weeks ago. So at least there is movement on the list.
He also said that someone got called in for a transplant that didn't work out, so they sent him home without a new kidney. As much of a drag as that would be, I kind of wouldn't mind having a trial run. It has been a long time since we talked to the transplant center about what is going to happen. My memory about the details has dimmed a little over the past 11 months.
So this is positive news. We were feeling a little jaded for the last few months, not really expecting the call. But now we are a little edgier.
We are going to a Halloween party tonight. Our plan is to dress up in hospital scrubs and go as a kidney donor and recipient. We thought about using this costume last year, but Gail was too tender to do it. This year she is up for it, so that is probably a good sign as well.
I'll try to get a picture of us in our costumes and post it.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Nightmare
The other night, Gail woke me up in the middle of the night saying that she thought her blood sugar was low, and she had had a really bad nightmare. I rationally suggested that she go in the bathroom and check her blood sugar, but she was too scared to get out of bed because "they" might get her.
I got her test kit and she was right. Her blood sugar was 42. She wasn't showing any of the normal signs (sweating, clammy, etc), so it was kind of a surprise. She ate some glucose tablets, and got her blood sugar up where it should be.
But she was still scared from her nightmare. She was too scared to tell me what she had been dreaming. I talked to her and sang her a little bit from Mendellsohn's Elijah, "He watching over Israel slumbers not, nor sleeps" (which is a comforting sort of song), and she finally got back to sleep.
The next day she told me that she had been dreaming that she was in a place where they were doing horrible horrible medical experiments on people and they were trying to get her.
Poor sweetie. Everything looks fine on the surface, but underneath it all, there is so much dread and fear roiling around.
I got her test kit and she was right. Her blood sugar was 42. She wasn't showing any of the normal signs (sweating, clammy, etc), so it was kind of a surprise. She ate some glucose tablets, and got her blood sugar up where it should be.
But she was still scared from her nightmare. She was too scared to tell me what she had been dreaming. I talked to her and sang her a little bit from Mendellsohn's Elijah, "He watching over Israel slumbers not, nor sleeps" (which is a comforting sort of song), and she finally got back to sleep.
The next day she told me that she had been dreaming that she was in a place where they were doing horrible horrible medical experiments on people and they were trying to get her.
Poor sweetie. Everything looks fine on the surface, but underneath it all, there is so much dread and fear roiling around.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Tired
I am tired. I am tired of Gail being on dialysis. I am tired of waiting for the call from the transplant center. I am tired of constantly having to plan around dialysis and needing to be close to San Francisco.
We called the transplant coordinator, who is very nice on the phone. He told us, again, that she is at the top of the list and the call could come any day.
They have been saying that for ten months.
We understand that it is a matter of when appropriate organs become available, and that there is nothing anyone can do about making it happen sooner. But it is still hard.
I keep a suitcase in the car with several days clothes to wear in San Francisco when she gets called. Soon I am going to have to remove the warm weather clothing and replace it with cold weather clothes. A sad way to mark the changing of the seasons.
If we haven't had the call by December 13th, it will have been a year. That will be a disturbing anniversary. I better plan something wonderful to do with her.
On the other hand, Gail's health is good, her blood tests are good, the puppies are good, and we are happy. So don't get the idea that things are morose around here. All we have to do is play with the pups for a while, and everything is better! (but I'm still tired).
We called the transplant coordinator, who is very nice on the phone. He told us, again, that she is at the top of the list and the call could come any day.
They have been saying that for ten months.
We understand that it is a matter of when appropriate organs become available, and that there is nothing anyone can do about making it happen sooner. But it is still hard.
I keep a suitcase in the car with several days clothes to wear in San Francisco when she gets called. Soon I am going to have to remove the warm weather clothing and replace it with cold weather clothes. A sad way to mark the changing of the seasons.
If we haven't had the call by December 13th, it will have been a year. That will be a disturbing anniversary. I better plan something wonderful to do with her.
On the other hand, Gail's health is good, her blood tests are good, the puppies are good, and we are happy. So don't get the idea that things are morose around here. All we have to do is play with the pups for a while, and everything is better! (but I'm still tired).
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Gopher hunt
Tichka was really into the gopher holes. Usually he gives them a sniff and moves on, but he was really intense about them on Friday.
I don't know why. Sometimes, we can see the gopher digging the hole and sticking his head out. We try to get the dogs interested, but they can't be bothered.
But this day, he was totally focused on what appeared to be an empty hole.
There is probably a metaphor about life here somewhere...
I don't know why. Sometimes, we can see the gopher digging the hole and sticking his head out. We try to get the dogs interested, but they can't be bothered.
But this day, he was totally focused on what appeared to be an empty hole.
There is probably a metaphor about life here somewhere...
Tizi on the lookout
We took the pups to Lighthouse Field after work on Friday. They were so happy! They chased around and ran circles with each other.
I caught a good shot of Tizi in the late light.
Isn't she pretty?
I caught a good shot of Tizi in the late light.
Isn't she pretty?
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Changes
Robin found out last night that he was selected for a new job (Yay!!!).
He'll be working in Santa Cruz, so he and Sachi won't be commuting together from Monterey anymore. Which means they won't be able to pick Gail up after dialysis. Which means I WAS RIGHT that it would be good for her to move to the Santa Cruz center!
Hah!
He'll be working in Santa Cruz, so he and Sachi won't be commuting together from Monterey anymore. Which means they won't be able to pick Gail up after dialysis. Which means I WAS RIGHT that it would be good for her to move to the Santa Cruz center!
Hah!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
So far, so good
I met Gail at the new dialysis center yesterday afternoon. Things went fine there. She misses all the staff at the other center, but she is being a good sport about it.
The social worker went through all the paperwork and instruction and questions that we went through when we started at the first center nine long months ago. (it still feels weird to be on the receiving end of a social worker's professional interest!) It is amazing how much more we know about dialysis now than we did then. How scared we were then, and how blase we are about it now.
I am surprised at how relieved I am having her closer. I even daydream about being able to stop in a visit with her sometimes if I am out and about during her dialysis time.
I know this is something she did for me, and I am really grateful.
The social worker went through all the paperwork and instruction and questions that we went through when we started at the first center nine long months ago. (it still feels weird to be on the receiving end of a social worker's professional interest!) It is amazing how much more we know about dialysis now than we did then. How scared we were then, and how blase we are about it now.
I am surprised at how relieved I am having her closer. I even daydream about being able to stop in a visit with her sometimes if I am out and about during her dialysis time.
I know this is something she did for me, and I am really grateful.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Be careful what you ask for...
I have been asking Gail to transfer from the Watsonville dialysis center to the Santa Cruz dialysis center because it is so hard to get out there to pick her up when I need to get her.
I just found out that she is transferring to the Santa Cruz center next Tuesday.
I feel guilty because she really likes the Watsonville center and the nurses and staff there. Now I'm scared that she really won't like it at the new place.
Or worse, that the care may not be as good.
I keep hearing my mom asking us why she needed to move out of her own home to my brother's home, just "for the convenience" of her children.
I guess guilt never goes away.
I just found out that she is transferring to the Santa Cruz center next Tuesday.
I feel guilty because she really likes the Watsonville center and the nurses and staff there. Now I'm scared that she really won't like it at the new place.
Or worse, that the care may not be as good.
I keep hearing my mom asking us why she needed to move out of her own home to my brother's home, just "for the convenience" of her children.
I guess guilt never goes away.
Oh, that's what it was...
After noticing Gail's odd behavior last weekend, I talked to her about it on Sunday. She hadn't noticed it, but could recognize it when I brought it up. We talked to her nephrologist about it on Thursday, who confirmed that one of the drugs Gail had been shown to interact with anti-depressants. She was prescribed this drug, Regelin, because her stomach wasn't emptying itself of food properly, which was causing her to be nauseated and to throw up with a distressing frequency.
Thursday night, Gail didn't take the Regelin. She slept well, didn't feel nauseated or throw up, and in the morning she was completely transformed. She said it felt like the sun had come up. I could tell just by the sound of her voice that she was back! She was happy all day, and has been all day today.
I, of course, am now worried about what will happen with her stomach if she doesn't take the Regelin, but we will just have to figure it out. It is a relief to at least know what was causing her to feel so bad.
Thursday night, Gail didn't take the Regelin. She slept well, didn't feel nauseated or throw up, and in the morning she was completely transformed. She said it felt like the sun had come up. I could tell just by the sound of her voice that she was back! She was happy all day, and has been all day today.
I, of course, am now worried about what will happen with her stomach if she doesn't take the Regelin, but we will just have to figure it out. It is a relief to at least know what was causing her to feel so bad.
Moo Cards, the backs
We gave a little info on the back of the cards so people could remember what kind of dogs they are.
Moo Cards
Having Moo cards printed with pictures of the puppies?
About 25 cents.
The look on people's faces when you hand them out at dog beach? Priceless!
About 25 cents.
The look on people's faces when you hand them out at dog beach? Priceless!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
WTF?
Gail has seemed depressed lately and sort of detached. It makes sense that anyone in her situation has every right to feel depressed, and it makes sense that she is withdrawing within herself. But it just doesn't feel right.
I talked with her about it on Sunday and pointed out some odd behaviors which she hadn't noticed. She has done some research, and the medication that she has to take for gastropariesis has side effects of depression and anxiety (what's your choice, madam? nausea and throwing up, or depression and anxiety?).
So maybe that is the problem. Or maybe being on dialysis is taking too much of other drugs out of her system. Or maybe it's a menopausal thing. or maybe... or maybe...
It is so hard to tell what is going on.
And how much do doctors even know about drug interactions? And then throw dialysis into that mix. And then throw blood sugar ups and downs into it. Now try to figure it out!
I talked with her about it on Sunday and pointed out some odd behaviors which she hadn't noticed. She has done some research, and the medication that she has to take for gastropariesis has side effects of depression and anxiety (what's your choice, madam? nausea and throwing up, or depression and anxiety?).
So maybe that is the problem. Or maybe being on dialysis is taking too much of other drugs out of her system. Or maybe it's a menopausal thing. or maybe... or maybe...
It is so hard to tell what is going on.
And how much do doctors even know about drug interactions? And then throw dialysis into that mix. And then throw blood sugar ups and downs into it. Now try to figure it out!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wrestling with the Angel
Here is what I said in church on August 5th.
In 30 plus years of singing in choirs, even when only a small percentage of that time has been in churches, you learn a lot of scripture. One of the things I love most is singing in Latin. I took Latin in high school, and I have always loved it. An appreciation of the Latin Mass is one of very few things that Pope Benedict and I agree on.
I’ve sung numerous masses and lots of other sacred texts. Every one of them has been different, and everyone has been beautiful, and they are often hard. Grappling with the music, really wrestling with it always rewards me with a deeper understanding and appreciation of the words themselves and how they speak to our deepest hopes and fears.
A few years ago, we were singing Stravinsky’s Symphony of Psalms, a piece that is not for the faint- hearted. We were all working really hard on it, getting together outside of rehearsal, listening to recordings, studying at home on the piano. But it was just hard. The harmony is very unusual, so until everyone in the group knows their parts really well, it sounds just as weird when it is right as it does when it is wrong!
One day after we had been hammering on it in rehearsal, I was talking with some of the other singers, and we were sort of commiserating over how hard the piece was, and how discouraged we were, and I heard myself saying, “But, we’re wrestling with the angel!”
I’m not sure the other folks had any idea what I was talking about. But I knew exactly what I meant. We were wrestling with the angel, and when we were done, the angel would bless us. And that is exactly what happened. After all our hard work, we had the wonderful experience of seeing the strange wonderful structure of this music fit together perfectly. We did wrestle the angel, and it did bless us.
Gail read you the heart of Jacob’s story just now, and I’d like to tell you a little more about what was going on.
Jacob has an older twin brother named Esau. There is a prophecy that they will both sire nations, and that the nation of the older brother will be mighty and will be served by the nation of the younger brother. This sounds pretty darn good for Esau, the older brother, and pretty crummy for Jacob. So, Jacob tricks their father into giving him the blessing that should have been his brother’s. When Esau finds out, he is so furious that Jacob fears for his life and has to leave home.
Jacob is gone for twenty years, and he is finally coming home with his family and all his possessions. But he is afraid that Esau may still want to kill him and his family. As he gets nearer, he finds out that Esau is headed his way, and he has 400 men with him.
Jacob is terrified. He sends his family and servants on ahead, and he waits behind and prays.
This is probably the most frightening night of Jacob’s life. He is all alone. Esau may kill him tomorrow. Esau may kill his entire family. He may lose everything he has the next day.
That night, in the darkness, out of nowhere, a man attacks Jacob. The man jumps him and they wrestle all night long. As the morning approaches, the man realizes that he cannot overpower Jacob, and he wrenches Jacob’s hip at the socket. But Jacob still won’t let go; he keeps wrestling. His attacker gets desperate and says, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” By now, Jacob has realized that this is not an ordinary man, but an angel, and he answers him, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The angel blesses him and tells him that his name is now Israel because he has struggled with god and with men and has overcome.
Jacob is reassured that God has heard his prayers, so when morning comes, he runs out ahead of his family to Esau, and bows very low and humbly to him. And Esau, the brother Jacob cheated twenty years ago, the man Jacob has feared all these years, this fierce man with four hundred soldiers at his command, Esau embraces Jacob and welcomes him home and back to his family.
Now, fortunately, I have never been jumped by a stranger and I have never been forced to wrestle till dawn.
But, nonetheless, I believe in wrestling with angels.
Every morning Gail and I battle to get ourselves out of bed so we can take our puppies for a walk. (you didn’t think that I would give this whole little talk without mentioning the puppies, did you?). And trust me, it is a battle every morning. But when we manage to get ourselves up and out, when we wrestle with that angel, that relatively small and innocuous angel, we are nonetheless blessed with calmer, quieter puppies, and we have such a good time with them. Our whole day is better when we manage to get ourselves up, when we wrestle with the angel of our own sleepy inertia.
Now there are lots of way bigger angels in the world who have jumped all of us in the dark of the night, and who wrestle with us when we are alone and terrified.
Gail and I, especially Gail, are wrestling with her kidney failure and her being on dialysis. Like Jacob, we are scared, we are tired, we don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow.
We wrestle with this angel every day and every night, every time she checks her blood sugar, every time I drive her to dialysis, and every time we go to sleep waiting for the transplant center to call, and every morning we wake up knowing that we have another day to get through.
But, I believe that if we keep wrestling, we will be ready when the phone finally does ring, and she gets her transplant.
Now, I don’t want you to think that I am all Pollyanna about this. The angel left his mark on Jacob when he wrenched his hip, and just like Jacob, we won’t get out of this wrestling match unscathed. This kidney thing has changed both of us forever. And rumor has it that getting a double organ transplant is no walk in the park.
We are all wrestling our own angels, big ones and small ones. Some of us are sick, and some of us love someone who is sick. Some of us are facing the challenges of a new job or a new school. Some of us are fighting poverty by working with COPA or visiting people in jail.
It can be tempting to give up in these battles, to surrender to our hopelessness or fear, to just turn over and go back to sleep instead of taking the pups for a walk. But the story of Jacob teaches us that if we wrestle with the angel, if we persevere, if we hang on through that long dark night, then we will be blessed. The story also teaches us that we won’t be alone forever. In the morning, like Jacob, we return to our lives, to our families and our communities, to the life that a loving God has given us.
My hope for all of you here today is that you will fight the good fight, that you will engage fully in your lives, that you will grapple with your challenges and stay the course.
May God give each of you everything you need to wrestle with your own angels, and may God bless you all.
Amen
In 30 plus years of singing in choirs, even when only a small percentage of that time has been in churches, you learn a lot of scripture. One of the things I love most is singing in Latin. I took Latin in high school, and I have always loved it. An appreciation of the Latin Mass is one of very few things that Pope Benedict and I agree on.
I’ve sung numerous masses and lots of other sacred texts. Every one of them has been different, and everyone has been beautiful, and they are often hard. Grappling with the music, really wrestling with it always rewards me with a deeper understanding and appreciation of the words themselves and how they speak to our deepest hopes and fears.
A few years ago, we were singing Stravinsky’s Symphony of Psalms, a piece that is not for the faint- hearted. We were all working really hard on it, getting together outside of rehearsal, listening to recordings, studying at home on the piano. But it was just hard. The harmony is very unusual, so until everyone in the group knows their parts really well, it sounds just as weird when it is right as it does when it is wrong!
One day after we had been hammering on it in rehearsal, I was talking with some of the other singers, and we were sort of commiserating over how hard the piece was, and how discouraged we were, and I heard myself saying, “But, we’re wrestling with the angel!”
I’m not sure the other folks had any idea what I was talking about. But I knew exactly what I meant. We were wrestling with the angel, and when we were done, the angel would bless us. And that is exactly what happened. After all our hard work, we had the wonderful experience of seeing the strange wonderful structure of this music fit together perfectly. We did wrestle the angel, and it did bless us.
Gail read you the heart of Jacob’s story just now, and I’d like to tell you a little more about what was going on.
Jacob has an older twin brother named Esau. There is a prophecy that they will both sire nations, and that the nation of the older brother will be mighty and will be served by the nation of the younger brother. This sounds pretty darn good for Esau, the older brother, and pretty crummy for Jacob. So, Jacob tricks their father into giving him the blessing that should have been his brother’s. When Esau finds out, he is so furious that Jacob fears for his life and has to leave home.
Jacob is gone for twenty years, and he is finally coming home with his family and all his possessions. But he is afraid that Esau may still want to kill him and his family. As he gets nearer, he finds out that Esau is headed his way, and he has 400 men with him.
Jacob is terrified. He sends his family and servants on ahead, and he waits behind and prays.
This is probably the most frightening night of Jacob’s life. He is all alone. Esau may kill him tomorrow. Esau may kill his entire family. He may lose everything he has the next day.
That night, in the darkness, out of nowhere, a man attacks Jacob. The man jumps him and they wrestle all night long. As the morning approaches, the man realizes that he cannot overpower Jacob, and he wrenches Jacob’s hip at the socket. But Jacob still won’t let go; he keeps wrestling. His attacker gets desperate and says, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” By now, Jacob has realized that this is not an ordinary man, but an angel, and he answers him, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The angel blesses him and tells him that his name is now Israel because he has struggled with god and with men and has overcome.
Jacob is reassured that God has heard his prayers, so when morning comes, he runs out ahead of his family to Esau, and bows very low and humbly to him. And Esau, the brother Jacob cheated twenty years ago, the man Jacob has feared all these years, this fierce man with four hundred soldiers at his command, Esau embraces Jacob and welcomes him home and back to his family.
Now, fortunately, I have never been jumped by a stranger and I have never been forced to wrestle till dawn.
But, nonetheless, I believe in wrestling with angels.
Every morning Gail and I battle to get ourselves out of bed so we can take our puppies for a walk. (you didn’t think that I would give this whole little talk without mentioning the puppies, did you?). And trust me, it is a battle every morning. But when we manage to get ourselves up and out, when we wrestle with that angel, that relatively small and innocuous angel, we are nonetheless blessed with calmer, quieter puppies, and we have such a good time with them. Our whole day is better when we manage to get ourselves up, when we wrestle with the angel of our own sleepy inertia.
Now there are lots of way bigger angels in the world who have jumped all of us in the dark of the night, and who wrestle with us when we are alone and terrified.
Gail and I, especially Gail, are wrestling with her kidney failure and her being on dialysis. Like Jacob, we are scared, we are tired, we don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow.
We wrestle with this angel every day and every night, every time she checks her blood sugar, every time I drive her to dialysis, and every time we go to sleep waiting for the transplant center to call, and every morning we wake up knowing that we have another day to get through.
But, I believe that if we keep wrestling, we will be ready when the phone finally does ring, and she gets her transplant.
Now, I don’t want you to think that I am all Pollyanna about this. The angel left his mark on Jacob when he wrenched his hip, and just like Jacob, we won’t get out of this wrestling match unscathed. This kidney thing has changed both of us forever. And rumor has it that getting a double organ transplant is no walk in the park.
We are all wrestling our own angels, big ones and small ones. Some of us are sick, and some of us love someone who is sick. Some of us are facing the challenges of a new job or a new school. Some of us are fighting poverty by working with COPA or visiting people in jail.
It can be tempting to give up in these battles, to surrender to our hopelessness or fear, to just turn over and go back to sleep instead of taking the pups for a walk. But the story of Jacob teaches us that if we wrestle with the angel, if we persevere, if we hang on through that long dark night, then we will be blessed. The story also teaches us that we won’t be alone forever. In the morning, like Jacob, we return to our lives, to our families and our communities, to the life that a loving God has given us.
My hope for all of you here today is that you will fight the good fight, that you will engage fully in your lives, that you will grapple with your challenges and stay the course.
May God give each of you everything you need to wrestle with your own angels, and may God bless you all.
Amen
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