Flashback

I dropped Gail off at dialysis this afternoon. After a chai at Starbucks, where I am too cheap to pay for internet access, I came to the Watsonville library. What a nice little library this is. Very quiet and pleasant, and easy to get online. I didn't find a place I can plug in, but it is still nice.

I found a website the other day for the American Association of Kidney Patients. It has a web based site where you can load information about medications, doctor visits, doctor names addresses etc. I thought it might be useful to put Gail's stuff on there. Probably mostly useful as a way to make me feel like I am staying in control.

When I got here, I opened the black binder where I was keeping all her medical information and opened it up. I don't think I have opened it since she had the catheter installed, because all these feelings of fear and anxiety just washed over me. I was right back in that place where I was so afraid that she wouldn't agree to go on dialysis until she was really sick.

The last date I have in there is December 19, 2006, when we met with the dietician at the dialysis center.

We have come a long way since then. Dialysis three times a week; she has never missed. We are old hands at it now.

Now my anxiety is banked. I worry about her catheter getting infected, or knocked around by the dogs. I worry that the catheter will fail and she won't have a fistula. I guess they could do another catheter on the other side of her chest. It has taken much much longer to get the transplant than we expected, and I only hope that the catheter holds on until they call.

All the medical info I entered on the site is probably moot by now. I think dialysis changes everything. I need to get her past lab reports from when she has been on dialysis and enter those.

I think she is doing well on dialysis, but... I think she is getting tireder and tireder. Her phosphorous was too high last time, and she needs to further restrict her fluid intake. In the last week or so, it has felt like she shifted to being a resident of dialysis land, instead of being the day visitor we thought she would be, and then the tourist she turned into. Now she lives here. And me with her.