Gail has been busily working her little fingers to the bone sewing new dresses for us for the upcoming Madrigal Dinner. Hers is green and mine is red, and they are both incredibly splendiferous!
Last year at this time, we weren't sure we would be here for the Madrigal Dinner, and here we are again. We still hope we won't be here for it. Hope springs eternal.
In today's newspaper, there was a story about two local teenagers killed in a car accident. As sad as that is, we can't help but hoping that their families are considering donating their organs.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Moony
We went for a walk with Moony today. It was so good to see her. She had a bone marrow transplant which almost killed her. She was the sickest person I have ever known, but she did survive it. She and Gail talked a lot about being sick and recovering, and going through transplants. It was a good walk.
Gail is a little less scared of the cardiac catheter test. She talked with me about it and with a friend of hers at work, who told her, "ohhhhh, it'll be OK."
Friends are good.
Gail is a little less scared of the cardiac catheter test. She talked with me about it and with a friend of hers at work, who told her, "ohhhhh, it'll be OK."
Friends are good.
Friday, November 02, 2007
More tests
So we talked to the transplant coordinator about the tests, and she will need to have a cardiac catheter test again.
Gail is VERY unhappy and scared about this. It hurt last time, and she is afraid of the pain. And she is afraid that they will have to do some procedure like they did last time.
We did clarify that the test itself, the cardiac cath, will not take her off of the active transplant list. She will only come off the list if they have to do a procedure on her, insert a stent or a balloon.
Hopefully, she will be in good shape and they won't have to do anything but go in there and look around and then stamp her Grade A, ready to go.
She thinks she will have to stay overnight in the hospital, and she is very scared about that too. I told her all her friends will come in and visit her, and we'll have a party. I have to figure out how I can smuggle the puppies in to the cardiac ward. Tricky, very tricky.
We didn't think we would have to do this again.
Gail is VERY unhappy and scared about this. It hurt last time, and she is afraid of the pain. And she is afraid that they will have to do some procedure like they did last time.
We did clarify that the test itself, the cardiac cath, will not take her off of the active transplant list. She will only come off the list if they have to do a procedure on her, insert a stent or a balloon.
Hopefully, she will be in good shape and they won't have to do anything but go in there and look around and then stamp her Grade A, ready to go.
She thinks she will have to stay overnight in the hospital, and she is very scared about that too. I told her all her friends will come in and visit her, and we'll have a party. I have to figure out how I can smuggle the puppies in to the cardiac ward. Tricky, very tricky.
We didn't think we would have to do this again.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Nephrologist Visit
Gail and I met with her nephrologis (kidney doctor) yesterday for her regular monthly visit. Everything looks good. All her blood work is good, her blood pressure is OK.
Her doc's only concern is that Gail's catheter last until she gets the transplant. When the surgeon installed it, he said that the catheters are designed to last a couple of months, but he knew a guy who had one for four years.
The main concern is infection since it is a straight tube into her heart. Gail is 100% good in avoiding infection. She NEVER gets it wet. You can imagine how hard it is to go almost a year without ever getting the upper right quadrant of your torso wet. But she is adamant about it, thank goodness. I don't know that I could be as totally careful about that as she is.
So we aren't worried about infection. There is a possibility that the tube can cause a narrowing of the vein. This is serious because it is permanent damage that isn't resolved by just removing the catheter. The signs to watch for are that the arm gets swollen because fluid isn't draining out through the vein. So now I have something else to worry about.
Gail had the surgery and began dialysis on December 13th. The insurance coverage was authorized for a year, so that needs to be reinstated. Her transplant coordinator is taking care of that.
But her doctor reminded her that she had to take a bunch of tests last year before they would certify her to the transplant list. She recommended that we call them and find out if additional tests will be required to keep her on the list past the one year anniversary. If so, we will want to get them done before hand so that she doesn't spend time off the transplant list.
Gail is too scared to talk to her coordinator about this, so I have been delegated to do so.
She and I are very different about some things, and this is one of them. I crave as much information as I can get, and she feels safer not knowing. So talking to her coordinator about the tests is one way I can help out.
In a seasonally appropriate ghoulish aside, Halloween is a time of lots of drinking and driving. Maybe a kidney/pancreas will come available that is just her type!
Her doc's only concern is that Gail's catheter last until she gets the transplant. When the surgeon installed it, he said that the catheters are designed to last a couple of months, but he knew a guy who had one for four years.
The main concern is infection since it is a straight tube into her heart. Gail is 100% good in avoiding infection. She NEVER gets it wet. You can imagine how hard it is to go almost a year without ever getting the upper right quadrant of your torso wet. But she is adamant about it, thank goodness. I don't know that I could be as totally careful about that as she is.
So we aren't worried about infection. There is a possibility that the tube can cause a narrowing of the vein. This is serious because it is permanent damage that isn't resolved by just removing the catheter. The signs to watch for are that the arm gets swollen because fluid isn't draining out through the vein. So now I have something else to worry about.
Gail had the surgery and began dialysis on December 13th. The insurance coverage was authorized for a year, so that needs to be reinstated. Her transplant coordinator is taking care of that.
But her doctor reminded her that she had to take a bunch of tests last year before they would certify her to the transplant list. She recommended that we call them and find out if additional tests will be required to keep her on the list past the one year anniversary. If so, we will want to get them done before hand so that she doesn't spend time off the transplant list.
Gail is too scared to talk to her coordinator about this, so I have been delegated to do so.
She and I are very different about some things, and this is one of them. I crave as much information as I can get, and she feels safer not knowing. So talking to her coordinator about the tests is one way I can help out.
In a seasonally appropriate ghoulish aside, Halloween is a time of lots of drinking and driving. Maybe a kidney/pancreas will come available that is just her type!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Update
Gail talked to her transplant coordinator yesterday. He said she is at the top of the list. Yawn.
Actually, we try to ask him more questions every time we call him. This time he said there is one man on the A blood type list ahead of her on the regional list.
She asked him if they have been doing any kidney/pancreas transplants, and he said they did one a couple of weeks ago. So at least there is movement on the list.
He also said that someone got called in for a transplant that didn't work out, so they sent him home without a new kidney. As much of a drag as that would be, I kind of wouldn't mind having a trial run. It has been a long time since we talked to the transplant center about what is going to happen. My memory about the details has dimmed a little over the past 11 months.
So this is positive news. We were feeling a little jaded for the last few months, not really expecting the call. But now we are a little edgier.
We are going to a Halloween party tonight. Our plan is to dress up in hospital scrubs and go as a kidney donor and recipient. We thought about using this costume last year, but Gail was too tender to do it. This year she is up for it, so that is probably a good sign as well.
I'll try to get a picture of us in our costumes and post it.
Actually, we try to ask him more questions every time we call him. This time he said there is one man on the A blood type list ahead of her on the regional list.
She asked him if they have been doing any kidney/pancreas transplants, and he said they did one a couple of weeks ago. So at least there is movement on the list.
He also said that someone got called in for a transplant that didn't work out, so they sent him home without a new kidney. As much of a drag as that would be, I kind of wouldn't mind having a trial run. It has been a long time since we talked to the transplant center about what is going to happen. My memory about the details has dimmed a little over the past 11 months.
So this is positive news. We were feeling a little jaded for the last few months, not really expecting the call. But now we are a little edgier.
We are going to a Halloween party tonight. Our plan is to dress up in hospital scrubs and go as a kidney donor and recipient. We thought about using this costume last year, but Gail was too tender to do it. This year she is up for it, so that is probably a good sign as well.
I'll try to get a picture of us in our costumes and post it.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Nightmare
The other night, Gail woke me up in the middle of the night saying that she thought her blood sugar was low, and she had had a really bad nightmare. I rationally suggested that she go in the bathroom and check her blood sugar, but she was too scared to get out of bed because "they" might get her.
I got her test kit and she was right. Her blood sugar was 42. She wasn't showing any of the normal signs (sweating, clammy, etc), so it was kind of a surprise. She ate some glucose tablets, and got her blood sugar up where it should be.
But she was still scared from her nightmare. She was too scared to tell me what she had been dreaming. I talked to her and sang her a little bit from Mendellsohn's Elijah, "He watching over Israel slumbers not, nor sleeps" (which is a comforting sort of song), and she finally got back to sleep.
The next day she told me that she had been dreaming that she was in a place where they were doing horrible horrible medical experiments on people and they were trying to get her.
Poor sweetie. Everything looks fine on the surface, but underneath it all, there is so much dread and fear roiling around.
I got her test kit and she was right. Her blood sugar was 42. She wasn't showing any of the normal signs (sweating, clammy, etc), so it was kind of a surprise. She ate some glucose tablets, and got her blood sugar up where it should be.
But she was still scared from her nightmare. She was too scared to tell me what she had been dreaming. I talked to her and sang her a little bit from Mendellsohn's Elijah, "He watching over Israel slumbers not, nor sleeps" (which is a comforting sort of song), and she finally got back to sleep.
The next day she told me that she had been dreaming that she was in a place where they were doing horrible horrible medical experiments on people and they were trying to get her.
Poor sweetie. Everything looks fine on the surface, but underneath it all, there is so much dread and fear roiling around.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Tired
I am tired. I am tired of Gail being on dialysis. I am tired of waiting for the call from the transplant center. I am tired of constantly having to plan around dialysis and needing to be close to San Francisco.
We called the transplant coordinator, who is very nice on the phone. He told us, again, that she is at the top of the list and the call could come any day.
They have been saying that for ten months.
We understand that it is a matter of when appropriate organs become available, and that there is nothing anyone can do about making it happen sooner. But it is still hard.
I keep a suitcase in the car with several days clothes to wear in San Francisco when she gets called. Soon I am going to have to remove the warm weather clothing and replace it with cold weather clothes. A sad way to mark the changing of the seasons.
If we haven't had the call by December 13th, it will have been a year. That will be a disturbing anniversary. I better plan something wonderful to do with her.
On the other hand, Gail's health is good, her blood tests are good, the puppies are good, and we are happy. So don't get the idea that things are morose around here. All we have to do is play with the pups for a while, and everything is better! (but I'm still tired).
We called the transplant coordinator, who is very nice on the phone. He told us, again, that she is at the top of the list and the call could come any day.
They have been saying that for ten months.
We understand that it is a matter of when appropriate organs become available, and that there is nothing anyone can do about making it happen sooner. But it is still hard.
I keep a suitcase in the car with several days clothes to wear in San Francisco when she gets called. Soon I am going to have to remove the warm weather clothing and replace it with cold weather clothes. A sad way to mark the changing of the seasons.
If we haven't had the call by December 13th, it will have been a year. That will be a disturbing anniversary. I better plan something wonderful to do with her.
On the other hand, Gail's health is good, her blood tests are good, the puppies are good, and we are happy. So don't get the idea that things are morose around here. All we have to do is play with the pups for a while, and everything is better! (but I'm still tired).
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Gopher hunt
Tichka was really into the gopher holes. Usually he gives them a sniff and moves on, but he was really intense about them on Friday.
I don't know why. Sometimes, we can see the gopher digging the hole and sticking his head out. We try to get the dogs interested, but they can't be bothered.
But this day, he was totally focused on what appeared to be an empty hole.
There is probably a metaphor about life here somewhere...
I don't know why. Sometimes, we can see the gopher digging the hole and sticking his head out. We try to get the dogs interested, but they can't be bothered.
But this day, he was totally focused on what appeared to be an empty hole.
There is probably a metaphor about life here somewhere...
Tizi on the lookout
We took the pups to Lighthouse Field after work on Friday. They were so happy! They chased around and ran circles with each other.
I caught a good shot of Tizi in the late light.
Isn't she pretty?
I caught a good shot of Tizi in the late light.
Isn't she pretty?
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Changes
Robin found out last night that he was selected for a new job (Yay!!!).
He'll be working in Santa Cruz, so he and Sachi won't be commuting together from Monterey anymore. Which means they won't be able to pick Gail up after dialysis. Which means I WAS RIGHT that it would be good for her to move to the Santa Cruz center!
Hah!
He'll be working in Santa Cruz, so he and Sachi won't be commuting together from Monterey anymore. Which means they won't be able to pick Gail up after dialysis. Which means I WAS RIGHT that it would be good for her to move to the Santa Cruz center!
Hah!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
So far, so good
I met Gail at the new dialysis center yesterday afternoon. Things went fine there. She misses all the staff at the other center, but she is being a good sport about it.
The social worker went through all the paperwork and instruction and questions that we went through when we started at the first center nine long months ago. (it still feels weird to be on the receiving end of a social worker's professional interest!) It is amazing how much more we know about dialysis now than we did then. How scared we were then, and how blase we are about it now.
I am surprised at how relieved I am having her closer. I even daydream about being able to stop in a visit with her sometimes if I am out and about during her dialysis time.
I know this is something she did for me, and I am really grateful.
The social worker went through all the paperwork and instruction and questions that we went through when we started at the first center nine long months ago. (it still feels weird to be on the receiving end of a social worker's professional interest!) It is amazing how much more we know about dialysis now than we did then. How scared we were then, and how blase we are about it now.
I am surprised at how relieved I am having her closer. I even daydream about being able to stop in a visit with her sometimes if I am out and about during her dialysis time.
I know this is something she did for me, and I am really grateful.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Be careful what you ask for...
I have been asking Gail to transfer from the Watsonville dialysis center to the Santa Cruz dialysis center because it is so hard to get out there to pick her up when I need to get her.
I just found out that she is transferring to the Santa Cruz center next Tuesday.
I feel guilty because she really likes the Watsonville center and the nurses and staff there. Now I'm scared that she really won't like it at the new place.
Or worse, that the care may not be as good.
I keep hearing my mom asking us why she needed to move out of her own home to my brother's home, just "for the convenience" of her children.
I guess guilt never goes away.
I just found out that she is transferring to the Santa Cruz center next Tuesday.
I feel guilty because she really likes the Watsonville center and the nurses and staff there. Now I'm scared that she really won't like it at the new place.
Or worse, that the care may not be as good.
I keep hearing my mom asking us why she needed to move out of her own home to my brother's home, just "for the convenience" of her children.
I guess guilt never goes away.
Oh, that's what it was...
After noticing Gail's odd behavior last weekend, I talked to her about it on Sunday. She hadn't noticed it, but could recognize it when I brought it up. We talked to her nephrologist about it on Thursday, who confirmed that one of the drugs Gail had been shown to interact with anti-depressants. She was prescribed this drug, Regelin, because her stomach wasn't emptying itself of food properly, which was causing her to be nauseated and to throw up with a distressing frequency.
Thursday night, Gail didn't take the Regelin. She slept well, didn't feel nauseated or throw up, and in the morning she was completely transformed. She said it felt like the sun had come up. I could tell just by the sound of her voice that she was back! She was happy all day, and has been all day today.
I, of course, am now worried about what will happen with her stomach if she doesn't take the Regelin, but we will just have to figure it out. It is a relief to at least know what was causing her to feel so bad.
Thursday night, Gail didn't take the Regelin. She slept well, didn't feel nauseated or throw up, and in the morning she was completely transformed. She said it felt like the sun had come up. I could tell just by the sound of her voice that she was back! She was happy all day, and has been all day today.
I, of course, am now worried about what will happen with her stomach if she doesn't take the Regelin, but we will just have to figure it out. It is a relief to at least know what was causing her to feel so bad.
Moo Cards, the backs
We gave a little info on the back of the cards so people could remember what kind of dogs they are.
Moo Cards
Having Moo cards printed with pictures of the puppies?
About 25 cents.
The look on people's faces when you hand them out at dog beach? Priceless!
About 25 cents.
The look on people's faces when you hand them out at dog beach? Priceless!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
WTF?
Gail has seemed depressed lately and sort of detached. It makes sense that anyone in her situation has every right to feel depressed, and it makes sense that she is withdrawing within herself. But it just doesn't feel right.
I talked with her about it on Sunday and pointed out some odd behaviors which she hadn't noticed. She has done some research, and the medication that she has to take for gastropariesis has side effects of depression and anxiety (what's your choice, madam? nausea and throwing up, or depression and anxiety?).
So maybe that is the problem. Or maybe being on dialysis is taking too much of other drugs out of her system. Or maybe it's a menopausal thing. or maybe... or maybe...
It is so hard to tell what is going on.
And how much do doctors even know about drug interactions? And then throw dialysis into that mix. And then throw blood sugar ups and downs into it. Now try to figure it out!
I talked with her about it on Sunday and pointed out some odd behaviors which she hadn't noticed. She has done some research, and the medication that she has to take for gastropariesis has side effects of depression and anxiety (what's your choice, madam? nausea and throwing up, or depression and anxiety?).
So maybe that is the problem. Or maybe being on dialysis is taking too much of other drugs out of her system. Or maybe it's a menopausal thing. or maybe... or maybe...
It is so hard to tell what is going on.
And how much do doctors even know about drug interactions? And then throw dialysis into that mix. And then throw blood sugar ups and downs into it. Now try to figure it out!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wrestling with the Angel
Here is what I said in church on August 5th.
In 30 plus years of singing in choirs, even when only a small percentage of that time has been in churches, you learn a lot of scripture. One of the things I love most is singing in Latin. I took Latin in high school, and I have always loved it. An appreciation of the Latin Mass is one of very few things that Pope Benedict and I agree on.
I’ve sung numerous masses and lots of other sacred texts. Every one of them has been different, and everyone has been beautiful, and they are often hard. Grappling with the music, really wrestling with it always rewards me with a deeper understanding and appreciation of the words themselves and how they speak to our deepest hopes and fears.
A few years ago, we were singing Stravinsky’s Symphony of Psalms, a piece that is not for the faint- hearted. We were all working really hard on it, getting together outside of rehearsal, listening to recordings, studying at home on the piano. But it was just hard. The harmony is very unusual, so until everyone in the group knows their parts really well, it sounds just as weird when it is right as it does when it is wrong!
One day after we had been hammering on it in rehearsal, I was talking with some of the other singers, and we were sort of commiserating over how hard the piece was, and how discouraged we were, and I heard myself saying, “But, we’re wrestling with the angel!”
I’m not sure the other folks had any idea what I was talking about. But I knew exactly what I meant. We were wrestling with the angel, and when we were done, the angel would bless us. And that is exactly what happened. After all our hard work, we had the wonderful experience of seeing the strange wonderful structure of this music fit together perfectly. We did wrestle the angel, and it did bless us.
Gail read you the heart of Jacob’s story just now, and I’d like to tell you a little more about what was going on.
Jacob has an older twin brother named Esau. There is a prophecy that they will both sire nations, and that the nation of the older brother will be mighty and will be served by the nation of the younger brother. This sounds pretty darn good for Esau, the older brother, and pretty crummy for Jacob. So, Jacob tricks their father into giving him the blessing that should have been his brother’s. When Esau finds out, he is so furious that Jacob fears for his life and has to leave home.
Jacob is gone for twenty years, and he is finally coming home with his family and all his possessions. But he is afraid that Esau may still want to kill him and his family. As he gets nearer, he finds out that Esau is headed his way, and he has 400 men with him.
Jacob is terrified. He sends his family and servants on ahead, and he waits behind and prays.
This is probably the most frightening night of Jacob’s life. He is all alone. Esau may kill him tomorrow. Esau may kill his entire family. He may lose everything he has the next day.
That night, in the darkness, out of nowhere, a man attacks Jacob. The man jumps him and they wrestle all night long. As the morning approaches, the man realizes that he cannot overpower Jacob, and he wrenches Jacob’s hip at the socket. But Jacob still won’t let go; he keeps wrestling. His attacker gets desperate and says, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” By now, Jacob has realized that this is not an ordinary man, but an angel, and he answers him, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The angel blesses him and tells him that his name is now Israel because he has struggled with god and with men and has overcome.
Jacob is reassured that God has heard his prayers, so when morning comes, he runs out ahead of his family to Esau, and bows very low and humbly to him. And Esau, the brother Jacob cheated twenty years ago, the man Jacob has feared all these years, this fierce man with four hundred soldiers at his command, Esau embraces Jacob and welcomes him home and back to his family.
Now, fortunately, I have never been jumped by a stranger and I have never been forced to wrestle till dawn.
But, nonetheless, I believe in wrestling with angels.
Every morning Gail and I battle to get ourselves out of bed so we can take our puppies for a walk. (you didn’t think that I would give this whole little talk without mentioning the puppies, did you?). And trust me, it is a battle every morning. But when we manage to get ourselves up and out, when we wrestle with that angel, that relatively small and innocuous angel, we are nonetheless blessed with calmer, quieter puppies, and we have such a good time with them. Our whole day is better when we manage to get ourselves up, when we wrestle with the angel of our own sleepy inertia.
Now there are lots of way bigger angels in the world who have jumped all of us in the dark of the night, and who wrestle with us when we are alone and terrified.
Gail and I, especially Gail, are wrestling with her kidney failure and her being on dialysis. Like Jacob, we are scared, we are tired, we don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow.
We wrestle with this angel every day and every night, every time she checks her blood sugar, every time I drive her to dialysis, and every time we go to sleep waiting for the transplant center to call, and every morning we wake up knowing that we have another day to get through.
But, I believe that if we keep wrestling, we will be ready when the phone finally does ring, and she gets her transplant.
Now, I don’t want you to think that I am all Pollyanna about this. The angel left his mark on Jacob when he wrenched his hip, and just like Jacob, we won’t get out of this wrestling match unscathed. This kidney thing has changed both of us forever. And rumor has it that getting a double organ transplant is no walk in the park.
We are all wrestling our own angels, big ones and small ones. Some of us are sick, and some of us love someone who is sick. Some of us are facing the challenges of a new job or a new school. Some of us are fighting poverty by working with COPA or visiting people in jail.
It can be tempting to give up in these battles, to surrender to our hopelessness or fear, to just turn over and go back to sleep instead of taking the pups for a walk. But the story of Jacob teaches us that if we wrestle with the angel, if we persevere, if we hang on through that long dark night, then we will be blessed. The story also teaches us that we won’t be alone forever. In the morning, like Jacob, we return to our lives, to our families and our communities, to the life that a loving God has given us.
My hope for all of you here today is that you will fight the good fight, that you will engage fully in your lives, that you will grapple with your challenges and stay the course.
May God give each of you everything you need to wrestle with your own angels, and may God bless you all.
Amen
In 30 plus years of singing in choirs, even when only a small percentage of that time has been in churches, you learn a lot of scripture. One of the things I love most is singing in Latin. I took Latin in high school, and I have always loved it. An appreciation of the Latin Mass is one of very few things that Pope Benedict and I agree on.
I’ve sung numerous masses and lots of other sacred texts. Every one of them has been different, and everyone has been beautiful, and they are often hard. Grappling with the music, really wrestling with it always rewards me with a deeper understanding and appreciation of the words themselves and how they speak to our deepest hopes and fears.
A few years ago, we were singing Stravinsky’s Symphony of Psalms, a piece that is not for the faint- hearted. We were all working really hard on it, getting together outside of rehearsal, listening to recordings, studying at home on the piano. But it was just hard. The harmony is very unusual, so until everyone in the group knows their parts really well, it sounds just as weird when it is right as it does when it is wrong!
One day after we had been hammering on it in rehearsal, I was talking with some of the other singers, and we were sort of commiserating over how hard the piece was, and how discouraged we were, and I heard myself saying, “But, we’re wrestling with the angel!”
I’m not sure the other folks had any idea what I was talking about. But I knew exactly what I meant. We were wrestling with the angel, and when we were done, the angel would bless us. And that is exactly what happened. After all our hard work, we had the wonderful experience of seeing the strange wonderful structure of this music fit together perfectly. We did wrestle the angel, and it did bless us.
Gail read you the heart of Jacob’s story just now, and I’d like to tell you a little more about what was going on.
Jacob has an older twin brother named Esau. There is a prophecy that they will both sire nations, and that the nation of the older brother will be mighty and will be served by the nation of the younger brother. This sounds pretty darn good for Esau, the older brother, and pretty crummy for Jacob. So, Jacob tricks their father into giving him the blessing that should have been his brother’s. When Esau finds out, he is so furious that Jacob fears for his life and has to leave home.
Jacob is gone for twenty years, and he is finally coming home with his family and all his possessions. But he is afraid that Esau may still want to kill him and his family. As he gets nearer, he finds out that Esau is headed his way, and he has 400 men with him.
Jacob is terrified. He sends his family and servants on ahead, and he waits behind and prays.
This is probably the most frightening night of Jacob’s life. He is all alone. Esau may kill him tomorrow. Esau may kill his entire family. He may lose everything he has the next day.
That night, in the darkness, out of nowhere, a man attacks Jacob. The man jumps him and they wrestle all night long. As the morning approaches, the man realizes that he cannot overpower Jacob, and he wrenches Jacob’s hip at the socket. But Jacob still won’t let go; he keeps wrestling. His attacker gets desperate and says, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” By now, Jacob has realized that this is not an ordinary man, but an angel, and he answers him, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The angel blesses him and tells him that his name is now Israel because he has struggled with god and with men and has overcome.
Jacob is reassured that God has heard his prayers, so when morning comes, he runs out ahead of his family to Esau, and bows very low and humbly to him. And Esau, the brother Jacob cheated twenty years ago, the man Jacob has feared all these years, this fierce man with four hundred soldiers at his command, Esau embraces Jacob and welcomes him home and back to his family.
Now, fortunately, I have never been jumped by a stranger and I have never been forced to wrestle till dawn.
But, nonetheless, I believe in wrestling with angels.
Every morning Gail and I battle to get ourselves out of bed so we can take our puppies for a walk. (you didn’t think that I would give this whole little talk without mentioning the puppies, did you?). And trust me, it is a battle every morning. But when we manage to get ourselves up and out, when we wrestle with that angel, that relatively small and innocuous angel, we are nonetheless blessed with calmer, quieter puppies, and we have such a good time with them. Our whole day is better when we manage to get ourselves up, when we wrestle with the angel of our own sleepy inertia.
Now there are lots of way bigger angels in the world who have jumped all of us in the dark of the night, and who wrestle with us when we are alone and terrified.
Gail and I, especially Gail, are wrestling with her kidney failure and her being on dialysis. Like Jacob, we are scared, we are tired, we don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow.
We wrestle with this angel every day and every night, every time she checks her blood sugar, every time I drive her to dialysis, and every time we go to sleep waiting for the transplant center to call, and every morning we wake up knowing that we have another day to get through.
But, I believe that if we keep wrestling, we will be ready when the phone finally does ring, and she gets her transplant.
Now, I don’t want you to think that I am all Pollyanna about this. The angel left his mark on Jacob when he wrenched his hip, and just like Jacob, we won’t get out of this wrestling match unscathed. This kidney thing has changed both of us forever. And rumor has it that getting a double organ transplant is no walk in the park.
We are all wrestling our own angels, big ones and small ones. Some of us are sick, and some of us love someone who is sick. Some of us are facing the challenges of a new job or a new school. Some of us are fighting poverty by working with COPA or visiting people in jail.
It can be tempting to give up in these battles, to surrender to our hopelessness or fear, to just turn over and go back to sleep instead of taking the pups for a walk. But the story of Jacob teaches us that if we wrestle with the angel, if we persevere, if we hang on through that long dark night, then we will be blessed. The story also teaches us that we won’t be alone forever. In the morning, like Jacob, we return to our lives, to our families and our communities, to the life that a loving God has given us.
My hope for all of you here today is that you will fight the good fight, that you will engage fully in your lives, that you will grapple with your challenges and stay the course.
May God give each of you everything you need to wrestle with your own angels, and may God bless you all.
Amen
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Tahoe Catamaran
We were in Tahoe for a wedding, and Gail and I managed to take a few hours to ourselves to ride on a boat. Nothing makes her happier than being on a boat, so it was a very good thing.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Bad Day at Black Rock
Yesterday was a bad day for me at work. Then I was late getting to a rehearsal for this weekend's wedding. Then Gail was really late getting out of dialysis because her blood pressure was too low at the end.
I reminded myself that the worst day at work is still better than the best day at dialysis.
I reminded myself that the worst day at work is still better than the best day at dialysis.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Who's tired?
I was at a Vision Team meeting a couple of nights ago, and in the circle, I said that Gail wasn't doing very well. She's getting tired and discouraged.
Which is true, but I think I was really saying that I am not doing well. I am tired. I am tired of her being tired, tired of having to make intricate transportation plans to get her home from dialysis, tired of her not carrying her share of household duties, tired of not being able to make plans to go anywhere.
Just tired. And a little weepy.
I remind myself that lots of people have much worse things happening in their lives, but that only helps a little. This is still where I am living, and it's hard.
Which is true, but I think I was really saying that I am not doing well. I am tired. I am tired of her being tired, tired of having to make intricate transportation plans to get her home from dialysis, tired of her not carrying her share of household duties, tired of not being able to make plans to go anywhere.
Just tired. And a little weepy.
I remind myself that lots of people have much worse things happening in their lives, but that only helps a little. This is still where I am living, and it's hard.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Sermon Redux
I gave the sermon last Sunday, and I was pleased with how it went. I worked really hard on it, for between 7 and 10 hours probably. Gail helped me trim it down and give it a good ending.
Yesterday in the mail, I got a package that contained three copies of the sermon all laid out really nicely. One normal one, one in large print, and one translated into Spanish! They mail them to people who can't get to church and use them in Jail Ministry, etc. I had no idea that they did that with sermons. It is amazing how much more substantial it looked, all laid out and printed nice like that.
Last night, Grant called me to thank me for the sermon. The church mails it to his wife in the nursing home. He told me that they had given her a permanent that day, and that he was really "wrestling with the angel" to do that, and that the sermon had meant so much to him. And then I got an email from a woman I don't know, saying how much she appreciated it too.
This turned out to be a much more rewarding experience than I expected it to be.
Who knew?
Yesterday in the mail, I got a package that contained three copies of the sermon all laid out really nicely. One normal one, one in large print, and one translated into Spanish! They mail them to people who can't get to church and use them in Jail Ministry, etc. I had no idea that they did that with sermons. It is amazing how much more substantial it looked, all laid out and printed nice like that.
Last night, Grant called me to thank me for the sermon. The church mails it to his wife in the nursing home. He told me that they had given her a permanent that day, and that he was really "wrestling with the angel" to do that, and that the sermon had meant so much to him. And then I got an email from a woman I don't know, saying how much she appreciated it too.
This turned out to be a much more rewarding experience than I expected it to be.
Who knew?
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Check-in with UCSF
We usually try to call UCSF at the beginning of each month to see where Gail is on the regional list. We managed to make it a conference call today, so I got to ask all my questions.
On the regional list, she is in the top few people in her blood type. She has been on the list since April 2005.
I never knew that whenever a donor is available, they do the genetic blood tests on EVERYBODY who is active on the list, all the way down.
He said the same thing he has said since she went on the list in November 2006. It could be any day, or it could be a couple of months.
He thinks it is unlikely that she would still be on dialysis by the end of the year, so that postpones the need for a fistula. I am glad about that. I really don't want her to have to have a fistula.
Of course the REALLY disappointing news is that he doesn't think they have WiFi in the hospital rooms. They have it across the street at the medical library tho, so that should work fine. I doubt they will bring me a chai in the library tho, dangit!
On the regional list, she is in the top few people in her blood type. She has been on the list since April 2005.
I never knew that whenever a donor is available, they do the genetic blood tests on EVERYBODY who is active on the list, all the way down.
He said the same thing he has said since she went on the list in November 2006. It could be any day, or it could be a couple of months.
He thinks it is unlikely that she would still be on dialysis by the end of the year, so that postpones the need for a fistula. I am glad about that. I really don't want her to have to have a fistula.
Of course the REALLY disappointing news is that he doesn't think they have WiFi in the hospital rooms. They have it across the street at the medical library tho, so that should work fine. I doubt they will bring me a chai in the library tho, dangit!
Visitors
For the last couple of weeks, I have needed to pick Gail up at dialysis on Tuesdays and Thursdays. After fretting a good bit, I decided I could get by with a little help from my friends. So I sent an email out to the usual suspects, and asked if they could pick me up at work on one of the days and drive me to Watsonville to get Gail. As you would imagine, the response was whole-hearted and enthusiastic. I had five or six people to choose from for every day. I managed to schedule it so no one had to do it more than once. And I tried to give the people who drove me a nice jar of plum/strawberry jam to thank them.
It has been quite lovely, actually. It is always about 45 minutes transit time, and I rarely get 45 minutes to just chat with people. So I have enjoyed the drive itself.
I always invite people in to see Gail. I think she likes seeing them; it's boring sitting in the dialysis room. I also like for people to know where it is and how to get her, in case we ever need to ask them for help again. At the same time I want to demystify the dialysis process, I also want people to know that this is a serious and sort of dangerous activity. I want them to understand that this is more than just sitting in an easy chair reading a book or knitting for three hours. Their responses have been interesting to watch.
One friend said that she didn't need to go in again. She had picked Gail up before, and she finds it depressing. Not Gail...Gail is fine. But the other folks, who are much sicker than Gail. She didn't have a need to see them again.
Another couple of friends were real sports and came into the treatment room even though they are uncomfortable with medical stuff. They talked a few minutes, eyes wide, and then said they would go save us a table for dinner at an adjoining restaurant.
Another friend who has kidney failure in her family came in and sat and talked with Gail, and was interested in the process. Another one was talking and suddenly said with a start, "Oh wow, I just realised that that is Gail's blood going through there!"
I think it is a real gift that our friends are willing to share the reality of dialysis with us, even just for a brief visit.
It has been quite lovely, actually. It is always about 45 minutes transit time, and I rarely get 45 minutes to just chat with people. So I have enjoyed the drive itself.
I always invite people in to see Gail. I think she likes seeing them; it's boring sitting in the dialysis room. I also like for people to know where it is and how to get her, in case we ever need to ask them for help again. At the same time I want to demystify the dialysis process, I also want people to know that this is a serious and sort of dangerous activity. I want them to understand that this is more than just sitting in an easy chair reading a book or knitting for three hours. Their responses have been interesting to watch.
One friend said that she didn't need to go in again. She had picked Gail up before, and she finds it depressing. Not Gail...Gail is fine. But the other folks, who are much sicker than Gail. She didn't have a need to see them again.
Another couple of friends were real sports and came into the treatment room even though they are uncomfortable with medical stuff. They talked a few minutes, eyes wide, and then said they would go save us a table for dinner at an adjoining restaurant.
Another friend who has kidney failure in her family came in and sat and talked with Gail, and was interested in the process. Another one was talking and suddenly said with a start, "Oh wow, I just realised that that is Gail's blood going through there!"
I think it is a real gift that our friends are willing to share the reality of dialysis with us, even just for a brief visit.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Mine!
I think it is just time for another puppy picture. They are doing so great! They are really growing up. I am working with them on various tricks. They already know how to shake hands. Very cute.
I am working with Tichka on "Little Bark." I waggle my fingers at him and he gets a treat if he doesn't bark, but whines or makes a little cough. It's pretty cute. I am also working with him on roll-over.
I am working with Tizi on roll over and play dead. She is very smart and is getting the idea. I know we would make faster progress if I could work with her without Tichka insisting on being present!
Tichka is funny. He is much more manic than Tizi is. He will look at me in desperation trying to figure out how to get a treat. He'll fling himself into a down, thrust his paw at me, bark; anything to MAKE me give him a treat NOW!!
We are working on impulse control with him.
They are so wonderful.
I am working with Tichka on "Little Bark." I waggle my fingers at him and he gets a treat if he doesn't bark, but whines or makes a little cough. It's pretty cute. I am also working with him on roll-over.
I am working with Tizi on roll over and play dead. She is very smart and is getting the idea. I know we would make faster progress if I could work with her without Tichka insisting on being present!
Tichka is funny. He is much more manic than Tizi is. He will look at me in desperation trying to figure out how to get a treat. He'll fling himself into a down, thrust his paw at me, bark; anything to MAKE me give him a treat NOW!!
We are working on impulse control with him.
They are so wonderful.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Flashback
I dropped Gail off at dialysis this afternoon. After a chai at Starbucks, where I am too cheap to pay for internet access, I came to the Watsonville library. What a nice little library this is. Very quiet and pleasant, and easy to get online. I didn't find a place I can plug in, but it is still nice.
I found a website the other day for the American Association of Kidney Patients. It has a web based site where you can load information about medications, doctor visits, doctor names addresses etc. I thought it might be useful to put Gail's stuff on there. Probably mostly useful as a way to make me feel like I am staying in control.
When I got here, I opened the black binder where I was keeping all her medical information and opened it up. I don't think I have opened it since she had the catheter installed, because all these feelings of fear and anxiety just washed over me. I was right back in that place where I was so afraid that she wouldn't agree to go on dialysis until she was really sick.
The last date I have in there is December 19, 2006, when we met with the dietician at the dialysis center.
We have come a long way since then. Dialysis three times a week; she has never missed. We are old hands at it now.
Now my anxiety is banked. I worry about her catheter getting infected, or knocked around by the dogs. I worry that the catheter will fail and she won't have a fistula. I guess they could do another catheter on the other side of her chest. It has taken much much longer to get the transplant than we expected, and I only hope that the catheter holds on until they call.
All the medical info I entered on the site is probably moot by now. I think dialysis changes everything. I need to get her past lab reports from when she has been on dialysis and enter those.
I think she is doing well on dialysis, but... I think she is getting tireder and tireder. Her phosphorous was too high last time, and she needs to further restrict her fluid intake. In the last week or so, it has felt like she shifted to being a resident of dialysis land, instead of being the day visitor we thought she would be, and then the tourist she turned into. Now she lives here. And me with her.
I found a website the other day for the American Association of Kidney Patients. It has a web based site where you can load information about medications, doctor visits, doctor names addresses etc. I thought it might be useful to put Gail's stuff on there. Probably mostly useful as a way to make me feel like I am staying in control.
When I got here, I opened the black binder where I was keeping all her medical information and opened it up. I don't think I have opened it since she had the catheter installed, because all these feelings of fear and anxiety just washed over me. I was right back in that place where I was so afraid that she wouldn't agree to go on dialysis until she was really sick.
The last date I have in there is December 19, 2006, when we met with the dietician at the dialysis center.
We have come a long way since then. Dialysis three times a week; she has never missed. We are old hands at it now.
Now my anxiety is banked. I worry about her catheter getting infected, or knocked around by the dogs. I worry that the catheter will fail and she won't have a fistula. I guess they could do another catheter on the other side of her chest. It has taken much much longer to get the transplant than we expected, and I only hope that the catheter holds on until they call.
All the medical info I entered on the site is probably moot by now. I think dialysis changes everything. I need to get her past lab reports from when she has been on dialysis and enter those.
I think she is doing well on dialysis, but... I think she is getting tireder and tireder. Her phosphorous was too high last time, and she needs to further restrict her fluid intake. In the last week or so, it has felt like she shifted to being a resident of dialysis land, instead of being the day visitor we thought she would be, and then the tourist she turned into. Now she lives here. And me with her.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Church
Dave sent an email a couple of days ago inviting me to stand in for him and the other pastors at church in a few weeks. This is proof, not of God, but that, if there is a God, she has a sense of humor.
I accepted, because I enjoy public speaking, but I have no idea what I will say. It's an interesting process to go through. What would I want to tell people that would be meaningful and interesting?
I'm thinking about talking about waiting, since that is sort of our motto this year. Talk about how waiting burns up your time unless you use that time well. We are waiting for the pups to mature, but need to enjoy them as they are now, and miss what they have already changed out of.
Maybe conscious waiting is what is called for...google Buddha and waiting and see what I can find!
A sermon. Pretty funny...
I accepted, because I enjoy public speaking, but I have no idea what I will say. It's an interesting process to go through. What would I want to tell people that would be meaningful and interesting?
I'm thinking about talking about waiting, since that is sort of our motto this year. Talk about how waiting burns up your time unless you use that time well. We are waiting for the pups to mature, but need to enjoy them as they are now, and miss what they have already changed out of.
Maybe conscious waiting is what is called for...google Buddha and waiting and see what I can find!
A sermon. Pretty funny...
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Hah! It's mine now, all mine!!
Tizi graduated from Family Dog I class this morning, after a romp on the beach and breakfast at Kelly's. We were so proud! She is such a smart, cute, friendly little pup. We are just delighted with her!
Gail has been really tired lately. I think the dialysis is really wearing her down.
Gail has been really tired lately. I think the dialysis is really wearing her down.
4th of July
The party was great this year. The back yard was sunnier than in the past, because we took some trees down. But we had a great time nonetheless.
It is so much fun to have this party every year.
It is so much fun to have this party every year.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Tichka smelling the flowers
He's been tearing around with Tizi, rolling and tumbling in a roiling mass of puppiness when he stops a moment to smell how nice the hydrangeas are in the evening.
Tizi relaxing in the garden
After a rousing game of chew on my ear and slobber on your collar, Tizi takes a moment to contemplate her happiness.
Uh oh!
The two little rascals figured out how to get in the house and they had a grand old time making mischief! What are you gonna do? Here is Tichka, as innocent as he can be!
Mud =Fun!
This is an old picture of the puppies from January, but it is my favorite. Look how cute they are! Tichka is on the right and Tizi is on the left. We have been working in the garden, and they are covered in mud!
Update
I haven't been blogging much. Gail's blog has become the main way to tell the world what is happening, but it might be good for me to keep this one up as well.
Status report: Gail: She has been on dialysis since December 13th, almost 7 months. We never thought it would take this long. Her transplant coordinator says they just haven't been receiving type A organs. He said today that she is one of the top 5 or 6 on the regional list, so she could be the best fit for the next organ that comes in of her blood type. Or it could take some time. The more we know, the further off it seems, so that is a little depressing.
Robin and Sachi pick her up after dialysis every Tuesday and Thursday, which is of immeasurable value. They aren't available for the next three weeks, and it is just a bear trying to figure out the easiest way to get her home. I think I am getting it worked out tho, with a little help from our friends. I realized that it is easier for me to ask for help than it is for her. So I did, and everyone responded quite wonderfully.
Status report: Puppies: They are wonderful and smart and cute and rascally. They just turned 8 months old, and they appear to be willing to sleep a little later in the morning. That is a relief, because we were pretty much being awakened at around 5:15 every morning!
Status report: Me: I'm fine, I guess. Gail is doing the heavy lifting, and I am trying to support her. Sometimes I find myself being irritated by her passivity, but I think she is just tired. I will be so glad when the transplant is over.
I haven't been blogging much. Gail's blog has become the main way to tell the world what is happening, but it might be good for me to keep this one up as well.
Status report: Gail: She has been on dialysis since December 13th, almost 7 months. We never thought it would take this long. Her transplant coordinator says they just haven't been receiving type A organs. He said today that she is one of the top 5 or 6 on the regional list, so she could be the best fit for the next organ that comes in of her blood type. Or it could take some time. The more we know, the further off it seems, so that is a little depressing.
Robin and Sachi pick her up after dialysis every Tuesday and Thursday, which is of immeasurable value. They aren't available for the next three weeks, and it is just a bear trying to figure out the easiest way to get her home. I think I am getting it worked out tho, with a little help from our friends. I realized that it is easier for me to ask for help than it is for her. So I did, and everyone responded quite wonderfully.
Status report: Puppies: They are wonderful and smart and cute and rascally. They just turned 8 months old, and they appear to be willing to sleep a little later in the morning. That is a relief, because we were pretty much being awakened at around 5:15 every morning!
Status report: Me: I'm fine, I guess. Gail is doing the heavy lifting, and I am trying to support her. Sometimes I find myself being irritated by her passivity, but I think she is just tired. I will be so glad when the transplant is over.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Sleepy
Dropped Gail at dialysis an hour ago. I am so overwhelmingly tired I am falling asleep over my chai
Friday, February 02, 2007
Red-letter Day
Let the record show that yesterday, February 1, 2007, was the first puppy-accident free day at our house!
Huzzah! Nazzaza! O frabjous day, caloo calay!
The puppies are awesome!
Huzzah! Nazzaza! O frabjous day, caloo calay!
The puppies are awesome!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Cooking
This cooking thing is such a drag.
Dana came over last night, and there wasn't much in the house to cook. I was distracted with the pups, and she ended up taking over the cooking. We found some old frozen vegetables, but they weren't any good. She heated up some rice and we found some potstickers. So that's what we had.
It occurs to me that I need to plan meals when we go shopping. i usually just buy whatever looks interesting. It's overwhelming to even think about.
Maybe I'll sign up for an email you can get that suggests meals and gives you shopping lists.
I am trying really hard, but it's not easy.
Dana came over last night, and there wasn't much in the house to cook. I was distracted with the pups, and she ended up taking over the cooking. We found some old frozen vegetables, but they weren't any good. She heated up some rice and we found some potstickers. So that's what we had.
It occurs to me that I need to plan meals when we go shopping. i usually just buy whatever looks interesting. It's overwhelming to even think about.
Maybe I'll sign up for an email you can get that suggests meals and gives you shopping lists.
I am trying really hard, but it's not easy.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Mud Puppies
Needed to clear some brush from an area they like to play in, so I can see what the little rascals are up to. Took them outside with me, and we had a great time.
We were on such a roll, that we went over to the garden and started clearing out the old dead things that had bolted months ago. I think we cleared a lot of sunflower stalks and stuff. Very satisfying. And did they get muddy!!
We were on such a roll, that we went over to the garden and started clearing out the old dead things that had bolted months ago. I think we cleared a lot of sunflower stalks and stuff. Very satisfying. And did they get muddy!!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Moblog
I just got things set up to send blog entries from my phone. Oh brave new world. A million ways to say something, and very little time in which to say it!
Transplant Update
Our world has changed over the last two months. Gail was waiting for a transplant any day, but it didn't happen. She went into the hospital on December 13th, and had a cardiac cathether installed in her chest, and she has been doing dialysis three times a week since then.
It is working well, but it still sucks.
She got a call this Monday that she is back on the active transplant list, so we are once again on-call 24/7. It was sort of relaxing not being on the list, but this is better.
We are trying to get the back yard fixed for the puppies, and I kind of hope that they don't call her until that is done....
It is working well, but it still sucks.
She got a call this Monday that she is back on the active transplant list, so we are once again on-call 24/7. It was sort of relaxing not being on the list, but this is better.
We are trying to get the back yard fixed for the puppies, and I kind of hope that they don't call her until that is done....
One baba, two pups
We decided we don't have enough stress in our lives, so we got two puppies. They are the cutest smartest puppies in the world, and we are very very happy!
Tizi-n-Tichka were named after a mountain pass in Morocco. Tizi is a very determined little girl, and Tichka is a mellow laid back big boy. They are Swedish Vallhunds, and we are in love. !!
This is both of them. Tizi is in the front. She has very dark markings around her eyes. We call her our raccoon baby.
Tichka is behind her. He is very sturdy and looks like a plush toy dog.
Tizi-n-Tichka were named after a mountain pass in Morocco. Tizi is a very determined little girl, and Tichka is a mellow laid back big boy. They are Swedish Vallhunds, and we are in love. !!
This is both of them. Tizi is in the front. She has very dark markings around her eyes. We call her our raccoon baby.
Tichka is behind her. He is very sturdy and looks like a plush toy dog.
Friday, January 12, 2007
In memoriam: Charlie
Sweet Charlie died last night. He was the happiest, sweetest, goofiest dog in the world, and he will be dearly missed.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Gail and I went to see her nephrologist yesterday. Her creatinine is now up to 3.5. It was 3.2 a month ago.
(Normal is .8 to 1.4, according to some website).
Her kidney doctor keeps asking her if she is still working full time. I have talked with her about maybe cutting back five hours a week, and she is sort of interested in it. But I think her job is really important to her sense of self, and I don't think she'll willingly cut back on it until she has to.
Sometimes I think I am more tired than she is...
Gail and I agreed last night that it looks like things are going really well. Getting on the transplant list four years ago was the best thing we could have done. And contacting the Transplant Center a couple of months ago was really good.
We are taking two gambles. One is not to have the fistula installed for dialysis, with the gamble that she can get the transplant before her kidney's get too bad. And the other is not to have the angiogram. That one I'm not as worried about. I don't think she has any heart disease that they wouldn't have detected by now (there is no reason for me to be so sure of that, but there it is). I am more worried about the dialysis...
She got her packet of material from the Transplant Center yesterday. It said we should plan to be at UCSF within 4 hours of when we are called. That is shorter than I thought, so we are thinking harder about how available we are by phone etc.
There was no binder...just a folder with papers in it. I'll have to go get us another binder! That at least will be fun.
(Normal is .8 to 1.4, according to some website).
Her kidney doctor keeps asking her if she is still working full time. I have talked with her about maybe cutting back five hours a week, and she is sort of interested in it. But I think her job is really important to her sense of self, and I don't think she'll willingly cut back on it until she has to.
Sometimes I think I am more tired than she is...
Gail and I agreed last night that it looks like things are going really well. Getting on the transplant list four years ago was the best thing we could have done. And contacting the Transplant Center a couple of months ago was really good.
We are taking two gambles. One is not to have the fistula installed for dialysis, with the gamble that she can get the transplant before her kidney's get too bad. And the other is not to have the angiogram. That one I'm not as worried about. I don't think she has any heart disease that they wouldn't have detected by now (there is no reason for me to be so sure of that, but there it is). I am more worried about the dialysis...
She got her packet of material from the Transplant Center yesterday. It said we should plan to be at UCSF within 4 hours of when we are called. That is shorter than I thought, so we are thinking harder about how available we are by phone etc.
There was no binder...just a folder with papers in it. I'll have to go get us another binder! That at least will be fun.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Dinah, Nina, Joanne (SpiderWoman!)
We had our 2006 Spooktacular last night. I wore many a boa and auctioned off many a good thing. We had a really good time. I sure ws tired afterwards, though...
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Gail and Dinah
We had a lovely Madrigal Dinner tonight. The food was fabulous and it was fun seeing everyone dressed up in their renaissance finery!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
The Peace of Wild Things
Ensemble Monterey, Cantiamo, and Con Brio premiered Imant Raminsh's new composition on May 14, 2006. That's me with the flowers on the left! It was a great piece and a great experience!
This photo is by Tom Birmingham from Big Sur Arts, a gifted photographer from Big Sur. He also took our wedding pictures a couple of years ago. I highly encourage you to visit his site for more great photos.
This photo is by Tom Birmingham from Big Sur Arts, a gifted photographer from Big Sur. He also took our wedding pictures a couple of years ago. I highly encourage you to visit his site for more great photos.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
EMCOJazz
Cheryl, Jennie, Sonya, Kathy, and I sang Bei Mir Bist du Shoen at the intermission of the Ensemble Monterey concert on April Fools Day! We had such a good time singing those close harmonies. What a treat!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Teacher and Poet
Susan Gorsky is an English teacher at Cabrillo College and other colleges in the area. A singer in Cantiamo, she talked with Mr. Marcus about his poetry and the other poems in the commissioned work.
It was a wonderful opportunity to learn more about the poems that we have been living with for these months.
It was a wonderful opportunity to learn more about the poems that we have been living with for these months.
Musician and Poet
Cantiamo Cabrillo and Ensemble Monterey have commissioned a piece of choral music from Imant Raminsh, a Canadian composer. The piece, entitled "the Peace of Wild Things," is a setting of poems by e.e. cummings, Wendel Berry, and Morton Marcus. Mr. Marcus came to rehearsal last week to talk about the poetry of the work. He appeared to be very pleased with the settings of his poems, which he heard for the first time at the rehearsal.
Here he is with Cheryl Anderson, the conductor of Cantiamo.
Here he is with Cheryl Anderson, the conductor of Cantiamo.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Snow (Hail?)
On March 11, 2006, Santa Cruz CA experienced very unusual weather. It rained and hailed all night, leaving enough frozen water on the ground to look like hail the next morning. It may not look like much to you, but it was pretty amazing to us!
Bach Around the Clock
On Marcvh 25 2006, the Cabrillo College Choral Program presented 12 continuous hours of music by Johann Sebastian Bach! It just doesn't get any better than this. Here Kent and Joanne channel the master himself.
The day included performances of Bach minuets with mandoline, flute sonatas, organ works, piano works, and finished with the performance of the glorious B Minor Mass as the grand finale.
I think he would have been pleased.
The day included performances of Bach minuets with mandoline, flute sonatas, organ works, piano works, and finished with the performance of the glorious B Minor Mass as the grand finale.
I think he would have been pleased.
Harvey in his hat
Dr. Harvey Marshall died last week. Harvey was a musician, whose greatest gift was working with singers. He taught many of us over the years, and he will be greatly missed. Not forgotten, but missed.
More pictures of Harvey are on Flickr, under HarveyMarshall.
More pictures of Harvey are on Flickr, under HarveyMarshall.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Cumbres and Toltec Railroad
A view of the beautiful country the railroad passes through. What a sky!
Cumbres and Toltec Railroad
Heading north, we stopped in Chamas and rode the Cumbres and Toltec Railroad, the longest and highest railroad in the nation. The town is filled with railroad buffs.
Petroglyph National Monument
Visiting the Petroglyph National Monument just outside of Albuquerque. Clambered up on a rocky mountain to see lots of petroglyphs left by the prolific Anasazi. This one looks like two babas kissing.
Artist
One of the artists at the Indian Market. There were 1,500 artists showing their wares at the market, and an estimated 100,000 visitors over the two days. It was fun and educational, but there were really no bargains to be found.
Diva
When in Santa Fe, look at art. This is the sculpture that Jen wanted to buy. A bargain at only $9,500.
Camel taste on a donkey budget!
Camel taste on a donkey budget!
Del Mar
This is one view of the gorgeous B&B we stayed in while in Santa Fe. An indoor swimming pool, lovely art, hospitable hostestess, and two great dogs. What more could you want!
Santuario
This is a little church outside of Santa Fe. In a side room, there is a hole in the floor where the dirt is supposed to have healing powers. We gathered up some dirt for various friends.
Acoma Pueblo
We visited Sky City, home of the Acomo Pueblo, descendants of the Anasazi. It reminded us of Civita in Italy, another city on a high mesa. They are a very industrious tribe, operating a casino, a cattle business, and other industries for the good of the tribe. Imagine a casino with no alcohol allowed. Plenty of cigarette smoking tho.
Canyon de Chelly
In addition to the dwellings, the Anasazi created petroglyphs high on the walls of the canyon. This is an antelope and a snake!
Canyon de Chelly
We visited the cliff dwelllings of Canyon de Chelly. What a beautiful place. A thousand years ago, the Anasazi built adobe walls into natural caves high up on the walls of the canyon.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
At the Meteor Crater
What a big smile, since she is standing on terra firma rather than perched on some fragile platform suspended over a vast emptiness. Every time I looked at her in the car, she had that same goofy blissful smile.
Vacations are good.
Vacations are good.
At the Meteor Crater
Standing out on the view platform looking over the crater. You notice that Gail is not with me. Too scared of heights to go out there.
Meteor Crater
I must have been 8 or 10 years old when we visited the Meteor Crater. It looks pretty much exactly as I remember it, but it does have a pretty nice museum which I am sure wasn't there way back then.
It is essentially a very large hole in the ground. It is so large, they claim breathlessly, that you could hold 20 football games at once with 2 million people watching from the sides.
It is essentially a very large hole in the ground. It is so large, they claim breathlessly, that you could hold 20 football games at once with 2 million people watching from the sides.
More Space House
The Space House also has interesting out buildings. They fit the house perfectly, but I can't imagine what they actually do with them when the aliens aren't visiting.
On the Road to Santa Fe
Driving along HW 40 East from Needles to Williams, we came across the Space House. It fits right in with all the Indian Teepees along the side of the road selling moccasins to tourists, except that no one appears to be making money off of it.
I have never seen things like this in any country but America.
I have never seen things like this in any country but America.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Balanced rocks
Occasionally, driving on West Cliff Drive, I'll see a group of rocks balanced precariously on the rip rap. I have no idea who balances them, or when, but I always love to see them. Public art? A gift to the community? A private meditation?
Who knows?
Who knows?
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
What's wrong with this picture?
This is a perfect example of what is wrong with most institutionalized religion these days. God's unchanging word, huh? Why do people today choose to believe in a god that was defined by people who thought the world was flat? Rather than glorifying a god who expands to encompass our own expanding understanding of the grand universe, they have kept him locked inside a knowledge base established 2000 years ago.
They don't treat their medical needs by following the medical practices of 2000 years ago. Why do they treat their spiritual needs by following the spiritual practices of 2000 years ago?
If god's word doesn't change, how can he speak to me in my ever changing world?
They don't treat their medical needs by following the medical practices of 2000 years ago. Why do they treat their spiritual needs by following the spiritual practices of 2000 years ago?
If god's word doesn't change, how can he speak to me in my ever changing world?
Monday, July 11, 2005
UCC
On July 3, 2005, the leaders of the United Church of Christ voted 80% in favor of supporting marriage equality. On July 7, 2005, four bombs went off in London, killing 52 people at last count. On July 9, a fire was started and anti-gay grafitti was found in a Middlebrook, Virginia UCC church.
The two events are not equal in impact or in horror. The fire at the church was quickly extinguished, and no one was killed. But nonetheless, the motives were the same. To terrorize innocent people into not standing up for what they believe in. My heart goes out to the members of the Middlebrook church. I don't know if their church was actively involved in marriage equality, or even how their representatives voted on the issue. But they are suffering on my behalf, and I appreciate it.
A Londoner set up a website called http://www.werenotafraid.com/ as a way to show the world that terrorist would not change the way people lead their lives. It is a very moving site.
I stand with the Londoners and with church in Middlebrook.
We're not afraid.
The two events are not equal in impact or in horror. The fire at the church was quickly extinguished, and no one was killed. But nonetheless, the motives were the same. To terrorize innocent people into not standing up for what they believe in. My heart goes out to the members of the Middlebrook church. I don't know if their church was actively involved in marriage equality, or even how their representatives voted on the issue. But they are suffering on my behalf, and I appreciate it.
A Londoner set up a website called http://www.werenotafraid.com/ as a way to show the world that terrorist would not change the way people lead their lives. It is a very moving site.
I stand with the Londoners and with church in Middlebrook.
We're not afraid.
Friday, July 08, 2005
London
As people say, we are all Londoners today. There is something so foundational to me about London. When I stood before the tomb of the first Queen Elizabeth, I don't know why I burst into tears, except that it felt like the beginning place of so much that we love and hold dear.
Two friends from England were visiting us a few years ago, not long after 911, and as we were talking about New York, I just started crying. They were very supportive and sweet; and now I think about them being in the same emotional place.
I found this picture on Flickr, and I think it is so evocative of the Brits. Polite and generous, yet sturdy and brave. The thing that makes my heart swell is the resilience of the Londoners. They are indeed a "plucky lot," and I am proud to count them as part of my ancestral heritage.
There are more photos on Flickr of the bombings in London if you are interested in seeing pictures taken by non-news folks who happened to be there. Just click on "london sign, by wildfalcon," and poke around a little.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Laughing on the 4th
We resurrected our Fourth of July party, and we had a blast. It's a great party because we have such wonderful, fun friends, and because they bring such good food, and because they are so talented, and because they are so appreciative of people willing to take a chance of performing in front of the group.
My favorite was Julian, who is just four, and who wanted to jump. And jump he did to thunderous applause.
It was a great day to be with friends.
My favorite was Julian, who is just four, and who wanted to jump. And jump he did to thunderous applause.
It was a great day to be with friends.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Zoli
Sweet Zoli died this morning, leaving sadness in the hearts of so many people who loved him, and who loved his family.
My favorite memory of Zoli is when he would sing with us. He would tilt his head back and warble, so excited by the sounds we were all making together.
He will be sorely missed.
My favorite memory of Zoli is when he would sing with us. He would tilt his head back and warble, so excited by the sounds we were all making together.
He will be sorely missed.
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